Heartspace

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Going Home

I have abandoned my home, I am not safe.

I’m wandering alone, Looking for some place. Searching high and low, Armored with love in a shell, I cannot find a home to call my own.

I fear this homeless place, Will I be alone and cold, Nowhere do I belong , ashamed I hide my face.

As I scrub the pots,my daily chore, I recognize a thought that aches in my heart, and makes it drop to the floor. I lost my way home.

I have abandoned my own soul, all of these years. Couldn’t find safety, Drowned in so many tears.

I wandered away, following the voices outside of me.

I kept listening to what THEY say. Wandering further and further away.

I had abandoned my home.

How would I ever feel safe, protected from the evils of life ?

Drifting through the winds of change, No roots to hold me, Oh how my heart shivers, of how the future will be.

I know!

I will disguise myself as one of them. I will hide and numb, and follow, and be a good wife.

I floated through life mostly this way. Until one day, she came to me and without a word , I remembered I had a home.

I tried to follow her.

I got lost.

I couldn’t find her, where did she go?

Searching everywhere, I found her finally, Within my soul.

Her whispers and laughter seducing me back to her. My heart soared, reunited I asked her where did she go?

In her way, she laughed and smiled, I looked closer , I saw a soul so wild!

Could it really be?

She led me back to the place I began.

The home from where I had ran.

The home of the true heart and soul,

This place of remembrance of a life wild and whole.

I am home.

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Empathy

This morning a feeling of loneliness washes over me. My first instinct is to think of something that makes me feel connected, but instead today I’m deciding to dive in.

The air feels dense, it’s quiet. I sense nothing. No one in the house, no sign of life but my own.

Am I connecting to myself becomes my first question. Well, apparently so, since I’m noticing this feeling in the first place.

Where have I felt this before? Memories of feeling so alone when people were mean to me. I felt the most alone. Connected to someone else’s criticism, anger, blame, shaming, into me.

It’s interesting that I would feel so much, connecting to their feelings, and yet feel so alone.

I realize I often lose myself in other people’s suffering and forget about me, what I feel, what I think, where I stand.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling more present in myself, less feeling of loneliness.

Somehow, writing these feelings, thoughts, insights on paper brings me closer to my heart. Allowing the feelings to flow through words, helps me to feel connected even more.

More than spoken language, these words share a lasting vibe that I can go back to, reconnect to in the future.

I’ll able to feel into this again, reminding myself of this way of reconnecting to my inner world in times of unexpected loneliness.

Taking it all in, breathing into my body, paying exquisite attention to the very details of the sensations in me.

Loving them, embracing them, and honoring me for this moment of self awareness to love myself and empathize with the self.

With love~

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Chrysalis

My body has been going through mid life changes. My arms are mushy and hang, my face has more lines, more softening that causes it to hang. My shoulders have taken it’s toll , and froze up on me.

As I contemplate this phase of my life, butterflies would pass by, as I drove, in the phone, walking in my yard, eating lunch… everywhere!

Ok, so I thought to myself, I’m going through a change and I’ll come out a graceful butterfly.

I’m still waiting…

When I woke up this Sunday morning, chrysalis popped in my mind. I realized that I’m in a phase of life changing events, and my desire to be stillness is somewhat like the chrysalis phase of a butterfly.

In stillness, my life and my body evolves. Do less, do less my heart whispers, and my fears and anxiety shouts no, keep going, you will lose everything you worked for.

As I write this now, I ask, “Will I really lose everything I worked so hard for?”

If I look in tue surface, the answer is yes, when I look deeper, I realize that the experiences that shape me are never lost. They can never be undone, inexperience, unexplored, they are embedded in the rhythms of my life.

Fear is of the material mind. In this life, staying aligned and grounded in what is true, what is constant, what is steady.

The constant, is eternal life, and it’s ever changing nature, building upon what was. Living what is.

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The Light is Your Heart

From the day you entered into this world,

the Universe had been conspiring with all of life.

The domino had been cast,

on a path to bring your energy into light.

In this light, your path paved the way to each precious moment that was stored

in the treasure of your heart.

Today we celebrate you, on your journey,

transforming your life and impacting those within and outside your grasp.

May your life continue to blossom in the light

and be held constant in the rhythms of life by the roots of spirit.

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My New “Strong”

My new definition of strong moved from my normal thinking and feeling of hard, driven, and pure muscle power to one that feels more aligned and centered.

Strong has become a place of connection to my life energy, and alignment to that energy. Strength from the source of our own energy, created and nurtured from all of life that is rooted in our past beyond our memory of this life, and all of life that has nourished us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. True source that was cultivated from the oneness and harmony of the positives and negatives that shaped us.

My new “strong” is a practice.
Connection to my center of truth, and embodying it in my words and actions as I move through my daily life. ~

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The Importance of Our Story

I hear a lot about how we create our reality is through our story, and therefore, we can recreate our story. I’ve been contemplating on this, and curious how this is true for me. How would I recreate my life by changing my story without masking over truth?

As I was listening to an audiobook by Kate Northrup, Money: A Love Story, she said something that really struck a chord with me (which is normally how I feel truth, it’s gotta feel real in my body). She said that as she looked back at her money story, basically, she could say that she got her money story from her mom and dad, and how they didn’t really teach her about money. This is the part that really got to me, she went on to say that she chose not to tell that story because it did not feel freeing. YES! So this really got me thinking deeper into our stories.

Our story (which is to me, true to the core, because it is our reality and our experience) about our lives is soo important, and even more important, we need to TELL our story. There are 6 main areas that came to me:

TELLING YOUR STORY. When we tell our stories, sharing and revealing how we feel, our perspective and how we see things, we are giving power to ourselves, our full experience of life, revealing how we saw things at that time in our life, especially can reveal patterns of how we see things.
FEELING ALL THE EMOTIONS. As we tell our story, and allow emotions to rise and be seen, heard, felt, in other words freeing the emotions by feeling them. It’ll be very uncomfortable, since it’s like having a clenched fist for many years, and then trying to pry open your fingers. I recommend being very patient, nurturing, and move slow through this process, this is not a process of over and done! NEXT!
BEING WITNESSED. In the telling of our story and allowing our emotions to rise, and being witnessed by others (which to me is the scariest part), it removes the hidden aspect of those emotions that we had stored away, hidden, or stuffed down. Being witnessed by those who are able to witness you, and accept you, and without giving you any feedback is key. Although we have a tendency to want to receive and give advice, as we move through this process in a neutral loving space, it allows us to hear our inner voices more clearly, and to realize that no one needs to be be fixed as we are not broken, and no advice is needed, as we have all the wisdom we need within us.
EXPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONS. Sometimes our emotions and deepest feelings don’t have words, or when we speak them they just don’t come out feeling right. Expressing our emotions in other ways in exploratory movement or art. Move your body in curiosity, or paint or draw in observance of what comes forth, letting go of what it looks like. (Personally, I love Qoya and painting.)
REFLECT. After giving myself time to move around the energy of those truths, I’m able to reflect more deeply and look at that the story, and see from a broader view, as if watching a movie of my whole life, how the situation and circumstances of this story helped me in my life. What value has it given me? What can I learn from it now? This is the growing and maturing stage, so it can be challenging, and here patience is key. Sometimes, it falls in the back of y mind, and suddenly I’ll hear a song or see something in a movie that will piece it together for me, and I feel that truth in my body!
GRATITUDE. When we understand how we have evolved from our challenges in life, where we have come from, and to fully appreciate where we are because of our life lessons and experiences, we begin to understand how all the things that happened, happened in synchronicity FOR us to be able to mature and grow our soul. This allows us to forge a stronger connection to our own heart, our love for our life, and love for others, as we are all oneness.

As you start to walk on the way, the way appears. ~ Rumi

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My First Blog Post

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Those Who Speak

Are you someone who can’t engage in superficial conversation?

There’s so many people that tell me, they have such a hard time engaging in superficial conversations.

It’s unbearable, even excruciating for some.

As I sat in a restaurant, having lunch with my spouse, I overheard the chatter of the ladies at the next table, all dressed in their Sunday best, having friendly conversation.

It made me wonder, what is it about superficial conversations that really bother me?

I hear a bunch of facts that have no substance, a story without a plot.

Explaining the obvious details, with very little depth, richness, or anything I can connect to.

As I eavesdropped some more, I wished that I could enjoy a convo like that someday, talking about nothing in particular.

What would it take?

I began to notice myself in a pretend conversation with them, most of the topics were facts, just detailed facts.

It was a memory of the physical attributes of some thing.

At that moment, it hit me, the conversation was missing, substance, heart, soul, and emotions.

Meaningful conversation is felt and experienced. It touches our heart.

It brings us to life.

It engages your senses.

It releases time.

Time becomes timeless.

For those who live from their heads ( which is most of us, including me) naturally use the information from our external world, gathered by our perception of what IT looks like, sounds like, tastes like, feels like.

Having realized this new perspective brought some peace of mind.

I think I can practice speaking from my head, even though my true love is speaking and listening through my heart.

And just maybe, someday, I’ll be able to integrate the facts of the mind with the truths of the heart, in hopes it will help support the rise of human consciousness, peace and harmony on earth.

Healing

Sometimes healing implies that we are weak, wounded, maybe vulnerable. Characteristics that we might not desire.

And to heal, could imply that we need to have a “doctor” to tell us how to heal. Or a healer, someone to heal us.

Healing is becoming aware of a deeper truth from within, a place that brings pain and pleasure to a balance. That brings opposing force into alignment of truth.

A healer invokes , activates and facilitates healing through a deep resonance of healing energy, through listening with heart, also accepting that in tue moment , all is as it is meant to be.

The wounded is healed through their own self. Through the tools of self awareness, gratitude, and an open heart.

Core Being

In historical times, we as a human race had lived in a hierarchical system. Not saying it was good or bad, but this one aspect has triggered a moment of realization.

The lowest , and in some cultures, even lower than the caste system, we’re those who killed living creatures as their profession, such as a fisherman.

In my influences mind, I had thought that this was because of the hard physical labor entailed, the long hours, and the odor that came along with it.

What I realized was that, in the heart of it all, they were were considered the lowest more due to the deeper implications of killing a living creature. Not honoring all of life.

There is a duality here that wants to be recognized. While a fisherman will help sustain life through the fish they catch, they also are killing to sustain that life.

In modern society, I feel we accept this as our survival. How else can we sustain ourselves?

What triggered me the most was how many of us have lost sight in the value of living beings.

Some cultures had a sacred ritual of gratitude for the animals they killed to sustain themselves. How do we express our gratitude for the food we have and all the hands that were a part of bringing that food to our communities?

These deeper questions stirred up feelings of frustration within me, a modern woman with an inner soul that long for this awakening within our society.

What can I do? I realized then, that who I am being from the core of my heart and soul, has more impact than I realize. Our unconscious core vibration reverberates throughout our day. It’s a domino effect.

We need to attune our vibration to the that which exists in all of life, the highest vibration for living in peace and harmony.

This is my prayer as I move through life.

Opening

Not of beauty,
Not of ugly,
Representing all of her surroundings,
She grows in the wild,
Moving in ways that move her.
Yet her expression is wild, untamed, natural.

As the wind blows, she responds,
As the rain falls she is nourished,
As the sun shines, she soaks it up,
As life feeds on her, she heals.

The beauty is within,
Her story embedded deep within her petals, that will fall to earth one day, nourishing and harmonizing as one.

Heartless Living

Heartless living has been my teacher.

I’ve the years I’ve been on the hamster wheel. Following a path that helps me to survive. The unaligned path of my soul and society.

I do all the right things, and try to say the right things, but am I really living a life in a way that I was meant to live?

Taking care of all the responsibilities of a wife, mom, daughter, friend, neighbor, employee, and citizen.

How does that align to my heart and soul?

In living this way for the first half of life, I’ve learned to see things from a different perspective, and found the door to my heart closed.

It feels as if there is nothing.

No sadness, no anger, no joy, nothing but blah!

I find this disconnect of the heart and the thoughts, related to the the disconnect of the body and the sensations.

I don’t want to walk this earth in this way.

I want to leave behind instead a life that resembles fresh new life, like a lushness forest, green with promise and hope for a more fulfilling life that impacts the evolution of life.

I start today. With a different intention, practicing to open my heart to the adventure of life, Following the feelings in my body to guide me on my aligned path.

I know this will not be easy, and full of criticism from those who follow the social majority.

I find that my “rebellious ways” are not rebellious in nature, it’s my own way of dancing through life. It just looks like it to those who see me through their own eyes and not as I truly am.

Herd Voice

There are those who cannot hear the one voice.

They only follow the herd.

Who does that herd hear? It’s starts off with that one voice.

Be silent.

What is your one voice saying to you now?

Moonlight

The dark holds me like a womb,

nurturing, safe, and comforted.

Quiet.

I can hear my heartbeat, my breath, my thoughts, the whispers from within.

I am the moonlight

Sending gracious soft light

I am but a mere image of who sees me

I wax and wane with the moon

I embrace the dark and await its message of truth.

I can see in the dark my own light

Truth be in the dark.

Healing

I used to think that healing was about making things feel better, overcoming a block, or getting a better or different perspective to see it from a broader view of life.

I have grown and through my experience, have come to know another healing. A healing that comes from feeling.

Healing that is not about trying to take away the pain.

A healing that instead, creates a deeper connection with myself. One that I feel in my body, a feeling of acceptance, rather than fear and shame.

Creating this connection by feeling all my emotions without judgment, and with more love and kindness.

Through this process, I feel whole. I feel connected to self, and truly understood with my very being.

I probably will fall into my old patterns… 😆 But I wanted to share this experience while it was still so alive within me. 💝

Beautiful Roots

As I sit here in the airport, I’m enjoying the beautiful Salt Lake City snow capped mountains. I’ve never been to Salt Lake City before, even just for a stop over flight.

As I take in the beauty of the scenery, looking for connection, deeper than meets the eye. I look down, and notice my feet, it has roots!

You know I’m in my meditations, I root from feet into mama earth, and there I see it.

The critic creeps in, and says, it was designed to be roots, it’s just a design. This always happens, the doubt and second guessing of what resonates with my creative genius (I hesitated to say genius out of fear).

But what resonates with our creative ageless soul must be acknowledged. It must be slurped up before it evaporates into the next moments. Beauty does not last, but meant to touch our hearts as reminder of what is within.

And so, to share the beauty that comes to me, I snapped a photo and created the colors that expresses how my heart feels at this serendipitous sight of my creative soul.

Finding Peace Where You Are

Among the Evergreen she brings hope, renewal, and courage.

Peace isn’t a state where conflict, chaos, anger, or violence do not exist. It isn’t a state that’s agreeable, calm, happy, or tranquil.

Rather, peace may be an inner state of consciousness , a position of neutrality where one can observe oneself in all of the above.

Finding peace, a place of solace within, a place where I become intimate with my own presence and love in my heart.

The current stress and fears linger in darkness while aware of the emotions and thoughts that create the story of our life.

And diving deeper to explore where truth brings forward the euphoria of mind blowing realizations.

An insight that had layers dormant in the subconscious.

It’s hard.

It’s scary.

Yet the reward invaluable!

Finding peace where you are could take a mere breath, awareness, and acceptance of life as it is, knowing it will change, evolve, and moves in cycles.

Finding peace within, is like spending time in nature. Take it all in like a breath of fresh air.